Thursday, January 22, 2015

Slicer is out of the Closet

For now. Picasso here by the way.

Here to reiterate a few things real quick. As Navi expressed for me at great length in her last post, I did not leave April unattended for any amount of time! That didn't happen. She may have sounded incredibly disingenuous by her word choice but I can assure you all right now... shes been dealt with.

As a complete aside I also did not tackle Navi to the ground and leave her covered in a fresh coat of bruises. That didn't happen... just putting that out there.

Shifting gracefully back over to the title topic, Slicer is out of the closet. After much badgering from April, who seems convinced we're the most qualified to help him as fellow proxies, we let him out of the closet to join us in a friendly little card game to see if he could behave himself. I don't trust the piece of shit though, so we left him tied up. I didn't like the way the asshole was looking at me and Navi was being super awkward around him so we blindfolded him too! He should be lucky he never got re-gagged with the way he kept running his fucking mouth.

Naturally I won our run of poker, because I'm awesome! Slicer seems to think I was cheating but you can't really cheat at cards. All luck and skill. And my greatest skill is my incredible luck! How do I know I'm so lucky? Because I was blessed with these incredible fucking skills! No arguing with that logic.

I was in good spirits when everything was done so I decided not to throw slicer back into the closet. I did shove his ass under the bed where I wouldn't have to look at this moping though.

"Told you this wouldn't work out," I told April. Clearly this was not helping Slicer with... whatever the fuck I'm supposed to be helping him with? Happiness I guess. Everything said and done, we'd just kind of succeeded at pissing him off.

"What are you taking about?" she laughed. "You guys are getting along fabulously. You're thick as thieves!"

"You're delusional!"

"I don't think I'm the delusional on here," she insisted.

"If you're not, then its because you're so delusional its enough for both of us!"

And we laughed.... pretty sure she is the delusional one. I mean, just today she also insisted she had a husband. When I asked her where he was she explained he was a Russian spy working as an ambassador to the united states and never visited because it'd blow his cover. Sound really fucking delusional to me!

But hey, if she wants me to quietly and politely torture Slicer with fixed games of cards, constant embarrassment and harassment, bondage, and my brilliant fucking witty banter so be it~!

I'll be happy to let the smug sack of shit have it.

Picasso out.

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Never Not Slicer

Because his name wasn't Slypher.

Which makes sense in hindsight. What the fuck even is a Slypher? Sneaky fuzz?

... Where would it even try to sneak into?

Hmmm... I got it. It's a parasite. Hides on animals and pretends to be fur. Sly indeed.

Navi here, by the way.

I have quite a bit to report. All that fuzz was just the tip of the iceberg! Fuzzy ice!

First off!

We found April's tormentor. Or uh... well he found her. April and Picasso were reportedly out shopping for food when Slicer ran out of an alley and sucker punched Picasso and ran off with April. I have been assured several times that that is exactly how it happened. Picasso at no point left April unattended. She will not stop stressing that the me in texts... and notes... she wrote it in blood on my pillow for some reason. Very well drawn mind you. My cursive will never be that good...

After April was taken, Picasso called Aprils phone I guess. Apparently Slicer, again that's the proxy that's been trying to tormenting her, tried to pass off the situation as being her boyfriend.

Now personally, I would have been conflicted if I had been the one to have heard that. Because April says a lot of shit and maybe 10% of it is true and I'm never sure which 10% it is. I would not put it past her to decide her boyfriend was a proxy one day out of the blue. For all I know at this point, shes not even a real runner. We have not seen the Master once in all this time.

Furthermore, the boyfriend thing doesn't make one bit of fucking sense as to why he would sucker punch Picasso and steal April but whatever. Clearly that 'so totally happened'.

Hold on.... Mask face. Picasso's note here says it makes sense because she has pieces of mask seared to her face and looks scary. Why not. We're just gonna move on.

So after the call, Picasso came back to the room and used the computer to track the GPS on April's computer. We have it turned on for just such an occasion as this. April does, after all, have a nasty habit of trying to wander off without saying anything to either of us so this was kind of a no brainier.

And then from there me and her watched and waited until the cell stopped moving roughly 30 minutes later.

Picasso's plan was simple. 'Path' in and save April, I uh, was not on board. I don't care to go to that horrible baby infested landscape if I can help it. Picasso was quick to rip an entrance into existence for us and drag me through before I got the chance to book it out of there.

I could probably stand those trips if it wasn't for all the slimy little hands.... ew... feel like I might just vomit thinking about it.

I'm not exactly sure what happened when we arrived. I uh... may have flopped to the floor and assumed the fetal position. I can admit that because I'm not a petty mask faced child. When I had finally collected myself and pulled myself to my feet April was tied to a bed and some guy (Slicer) was on the floor with his hands tied behind his back with his nose magically squeezing itself down into an unnatural position.

I found out later that Picasso had broken Slicer's nose and was holding it for him after she knocked his ass over and tied him up.

I got up and let April free. She had several new cuts down her arms. Cuts that had already been sticked back closed because for whatever reason that's how Slicer tortures. He cuts you up and then he sews you back up. Never seen that before. Its weird.

She seemed so fucking happy to see us. Not because we had saved her, mind you. But because now would could finally meet Slicer and help him overcome his sadness. Because clearly that's why we're here.

We uh,... proceeded to immediately fail at doing that. Kind of glad we didn't try. Picasso's concept on happiness is very... carnal. I think that's the word. No, whatever it was she was doing instead of trying to do that, it was scaring the shit out of poor Slicer. He looked about ready to crap his pants.

I don't know what questions she asked but I know what the answers were.

(It's worth putting in a quick reminder here that I can't see or hear Picasso... important details.)

Slicer definitely does not operate alone. He admitted he was part of a cell and that his cell alone had as many as 15 people and that his boss, 'the Duke', has many cells in most of the neighboring cities. We probably could have taken a small little proxy cell on our own but not an entire little division of many cells. I was under the impression that independent cells like that (I hear we're calling those 'fallen' cells?) should be nowhere near that powerful so that was pretty concerning.

Rather than deal with that problem right now, since that's not what we're here for, Picasso apparently decided it would be best if we just fucking booked it as far away as we could in one night. Which made sense. 'The Dukes' influence couldn't possibly extend much further than a few cities.

So we gathered our things and took our car and drove all night. April spent a lot of that night pestering the shit out of Slicer trying to figure out what makes him happy. She actually managed to wear him down. The torturous little nerd likes rubix cubes. I'm told those are something like a puzzle box, only color based.

We probably should have just killed Slicer and been done with him... or since we're not allowed to kill just dumped him on Fracture/the Free Market to be hollowed and put in storage. But April has an awkward hard on for the guy. I don't know why but she really wants to make him be happy.

Picasso says we need to do whatever we can to help April so... I guess we're gonna try to help her. It all sounds kind of stupid to me though. I mean, I can see wanting to make your friends and family happy. But the guy who shows up out of the blue to kidnap and torture you? Fuck that guy. Seriously.

But what do I know right?

Navi out.

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

You're Never Fully Dressed Without a Smile!

Or a dress made out of rainbows! Which is what I'm wearing now. Navi says I have to change clothes eventually, but I'm not sure I can stand to live NOT in this dress anymore!


Anyway, I had just a wonderful day yesterday! I had to share it with you.
I have a very busy lifestyle you know. I have to hold down my very important job, people are depending on me. Plus my surprise visits with Slypher which I don't get to plan and always tend to take forever! I tell you, torture is hell on the schedule! ^_^

Well, I haven't seen Slypher since the girls showed up, but the time I spent with him is spent hanging out with them now. The point is, I don't have much free time to myself, but I always find time to do something for the children. I love kids! I've never had any myself, but they're soooo cute!

So I always find the time to sing on street corners. All the happy classics! Never fully dressed without a smile, Spread a little sunshine, What a wonderful kind of day, that kind of thing! It's worth it to see those kids smile. Some even come back to see me again and again. I'm kinda like a local legend. The girl who sings outside the courthouse!

So I brought Piccolo with me this time, having brought Navi along when Piccolo was off shattering. But when we got there she made some kind of big fuss about it!

(Now guys, don't tell Picasso I said this but I think that she was just jealous of the kids that they got to hear me sing and tried to keep me for herself. Isn't that adorable of her? She's so cute!)

So I humored her. I could tell me singing only for her and Navi would really make her happy and I live to please! She gave some silly made up reason for it like the Motel 6 we were at being safer since Slypher didn't know I was there rather than being out in the open following my regular patterns.

Whatever you say, Picasso. *wink*

So on the way home we went shopping for singing costumes and Piccolo bought me the most beautiful rainbow colored dress! If you are reading this Monsieur Fracture, then I would like you to know that I rate your employees at full stars! Plus they're both lovely singers. We had a wonderful concert!

I even got flowers! It's nice to have fans! It was such a nice evening. Having friends around is the best.

Though in the whirl of it all I never got to explain to Picasso why it is I love my street concerts so much.

When I was a kid, my mom was a stay at home mom. She had a job, but it was on the computer. Something that had to do with being on the phone a lot. She would sing to herself as she worked. She had just an awful awful voice, but my sister and I loved to listen to her. One day, the three of us were home. I don't remember what I was doing, playing or something, but I remember hearing my mom singing in the other room. That was when we heard a strange noise from downstairs, our door bursting open and heavy footsteps. My mom gathered my sister and I together and we all huddled in a corner and she sang to us softly to keep us calm. When the burglar came to the room we saw he had a gun and he and my mother locked eyes and everything stopped for a second. Then my mom just continued singing.

And that burglar he dropped his gun fell to his knees and cried. I stood up, and my sister did too, and we joined in singing and he knew the words and he sang and took off his ski mask and smiled. Really really smiled. It was the most beautiful moment of his life, he said. It was the magic of music! The magic of singing and the magic of smiles.

And now, a list of things to be happy about today!

  • Everyone has a song in their hearts!
  • Our room number is 14 and that's my lucky number!
  • Have you thought recently about sleep? It's magnificent! Continue to enjoy it!
  • Planet of the Apes is an amazing movie!
  • No matter how alone you feel, there is someone who believes you and believes in you!
  • There are so many colors! And they can be made into dresses!
  • There is a countless number of people in the world to make friends with!

And you are the most beautiful person I have yet to meet.