Monday, April 6, 2015

Well Isn't This an Honor

Getting to write on a blog?  This is exactly what I went to college for!  Oh man, April was right, I'm getting a rush just by typing out these words.  I feel like part of such a community.

Or maybe this rush is nausea because I'm writing in a moving car and motion sickness is an old enemy of mine.  Either way I'd like to end this as soon as possible.

If this wasn't clear, this is Slicer.  The doctor turned proxy turned hostage turned partner turned hopefully doctor again.  If that wasn't clear to anyone, that process STARTED WITH BEING A DOCTOR.  I had been a doctor for like three years, Picasso.  And I would still be one if I had gotten any say in the matter.  But noooo.  So yeah, already a doctor, hoping to get back to practicing, even if just for the cell.

Knowing these guys they could do with having someone to patch them up.  Tourniquet often needs more than just patching up from the things she does to herself, let alone going out on missions.  And honestly most of them could use a psychiatrist too.  Bishop's dealing with some serious trauma I assume since the kid doesn't freaking talk and she should probably have someone to help her with that.  Plus I already mentioned Tourniquet who's a complete basket case.  Having a homebody to just make her eat should improve the crazy chick's blood flow.

Seriously, I worry about these people.  They cannot take care of themselves.  Wal-Mart sells all kinds of fruits and vegetables and vitamin supplements but every time I see the cell they're stuffing their faces with the cheapest microwave meals and sugary snacks.  Being a proxy seems more dangerous to cholesterol at this point.  At least they get exercise.

Well, I'm getting off topic.  As we have told you like three times now, Picasso and Navi and April and some of their buddies who I haven't met are coming back with Tracker and I to our cell.  A "Fallen" cell, I think they've been calling it which is kind of rude, don't you think?  I mean, we're still here and running.  We're in the car now and somehow I'm the one who got stuck in the middle in the back.  On the frickin' hump seat.  AND I got passed the computer and told I had to update this stupid blog I've seen the girls posting on as if it matters.

Cause let me tell you, nebulous internet existence, I feel pretty stupid doing this.  I hope that this thing doesn't become like, a regular exercise back at the Mart.  There are so many better things I could be doing.

So I guess it's my duty to tell you that everyone's alive.  They are.  Very alive.  I could not ever mistake them for dead considering how loudly they are singing along to some painfully cheery music I don't recognize on the radio with all the windows rolled down so the wind is getting my goddamn hair in my eyes and I can't hear myself think.

Okay, maybe this blog thing is a bit cathartic.  Maybe I should write a poem about punching Picasso in the face.  That should make me feel better.



Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Procrastination for the Win

You know what's better than getting paid to babysit the most tame runner ever?

Getting payed to sit around and do nothing while your boss is arguing with your friend's boss to figure out terms and conditions to a mutual union of our combined forces.

In order to make April's weird dream of making Slicer's dream of being a doctor come true, the Free Market is volunteering us (Me, Navi, and April) and a fire cultist, and mask cultist to work with the Fallen cell down in Atlanta for their mutual benefit. I have no idea what Fracture and the Free Market is getting out of this. Just... creating dependency on the Free Market maybe? I suppose that's how the Islamic states of old and Romans did it. Not that that worked out for anyone in the long run in either case. But learning from the mistakes of history is over rated! I'm getting a new proxy cell to play with!

Eventually. I'm gonna be honest, I have been going to great pains to keep negotiations going and communication between our organization strained just so I can enjoy a bit of vacation time before they actually send me to Atlanta to do what I'm assuming will be actual work. But Fracture called to let me know everything to the greenlight today so I guess the honeymoon is over. Hate sundays. They're almost as bed as the coming mondays. Just this sensation of your freedom dying.

Oh well, such is proxy life I suppose. Live to serve.

I'm told there are a few hiccups. Apparently Slicer's boss, Duke, refuses to acknowledge April as a proxy. Which is weird. The old Bureaucracy system the fallen still worship was real big on making people who weren't actually proxies (Some had never seen or heard of the slender man) do proxy work so I don't see the issue. Play into your stereotype asshole!

Second issue, is apparently whether Slicer is actually getting that position as a home body is still up for grabs. Which is insane. Because that's the entire point. Feel like that part isn't debatable?

Final issue is Tracker is a smug asshole with a hidden agenda. He about crapped himself when I proposed this whole idea and I don't know why. If he was so against it, I don't know why he gave it an honest pitch to his boss. I don't understand anything he does. Hes hard to pin down. Something is definitely going on there but I don't know what his angle is. Also worry Navi might have a little crush on him or something? I don't know. Shes painfully awkward. I think Tracker might be the only person we've run into since we left the Free Market who isn't outwardly insane or an asshole and maybe shes just enjoying the company of someone who doesn't /appear/ to be crazy.

But I hold true that theres some shit going on there. Hes probably secretly as asshole... and crazy... I'd question if hes cozy but must things with a pulse are. Hell somethings without pulse are too. Shits cozy. It hides the crazy.

Picasso out!

Saturday, March 14, 2015

Hope Triumphs Where All Else Fails!

Yep.  I did it.  Nobody really believed I could, but I did.  Yay me!  ^_^

I mean, I read these blogs, guys.  Picasso and Navi, you know I read this blog and so I know you think I'm crazy!  I know you were just humoring me because it was your job or whatever.  But you didn't ever really think that there was any way to improve anything.  That's why you never tried to.  And that's why you secretly laughed at me for believing that with optimism and perseverance even a terrible life can be made better!

But this is why I always remind you all to smile :)

If things are bad now that just means that the only way to go is up.

Sometimes, it takes a little bit of work before it happens, but if that's all I'm here on this earth to accomplish then I will do it happily.  Helping others is all I care about.

I met Slicer (yes Slicer, not Slypher.  He's been bugging me about it and of course I would never want to do anything that makes him unhappy!) a couple of months ago now.  Time is hard to keep track of!  Not that it really matters, it's not like I'm rushing off to do anything important.  Just towards death like everybody else :D

When I met my friend Slicer, I could tell that he was in a really bad place in his life.  Sure, he was torturing me, but I could tell that it was really hurting him in a less physical way.  The old, this is going to hurt me a lot more than it hurts you.  Because Slicer is a really really kind and funny person.  He's sweet and all he's ever wanted to do in his life was help people.  I couldn't let a person like that suffer!

See, I used to be a prison psychiatrist.  And sometimes when I would look into the eyes of people that had been condemned as horrible by the rest of the world, I'd see trapped, crying children.  I helped to free them.  I led them out and helped them smile.  I knew I could save Slicer too, and I have.

With everyone's help of course!

I knew that all he needed was to hang out with more of his proxy friends.  See, his buddy Tracker came to hang out with us!  He's here now, he's on the phone actually, and he's super duper nice!  He and Slicer get along so well, just like him and Picasso except less insults!

Remember when I said that Slicer used to be a doctor?  And that if we could just convince his friends to let him stop torturing people and start doctoring again it'd make him so much happier?  Well Picasso said that if the cell he's from were big enough they would be able to keep Slicer on staff as a full time DOCTOR!!!!  Isn't that just the most amazingly wonderfulest thing ever?

So Piccolo and Navi and I and some other peoples Picasso knows are going to be hanging out with Tracker and Slicer's cell family for a while!  I can't wait to meet them!  Slicer has told me a bit about them and they just sound AMAZING!  

Picasso and Tracker are on the phones with their respective bosses right now working out the details, but I can't imagine why either would complain.  It would make Slicer so so happy!  And a new adventure for the rest of us!

Not that I'm going to be a proxy, of course.  I will hang out with them and help them out but I will never do what that monster tells me to ever! ^_^

And so (as if more even needs to be added on) a list of things to be happy about today!

  • I get to meet a whole bunch more people who I can make happier!
  • My wonderful friend Carter is coming to America!  We're in Atlanta if you ever want to hang out!  (I'll keep an ear out for anyone named Sam!)
  • I have a SECOND rainbow dress!
  • Waffles!  Oh, and pancakes!  Breakfast foods are delicious!
  • Tracker and Slicer are reunited at last!  Friendship is Amazing!
  • There is an unending number of people in this world to make friends with!

And you are the most beautiful person I have yet to meet.


Thursday, March 5, 2015

Free Slicer

Its just not as fun as a caged slicer. Or a free willie. Few things are more fun than killer whales really, and most are no where near as deadly. Fortunately slicer is also not dangerous free... so I guess this a wash?

... Dear god I'm starting to sound like PaKaSo... I wonder if delusional psychopathy is contagious... how would it spread?

Word of mouth? Does that make it like Mono? Is it a kissing disease?

... Ew... How the in devil did I catch that? I feel violated.

I... May have gotten ahead of myself somewhere in there. Lets scale back to old news first and at this point it really is old news. They were harping on that poor girl for days.

Devil and Picasso apparently weren't satisfied with Aprils insistence that she was happy. Between you and me, she wasn't. She was angry and sad. But would clear up and then they'd harp on it some more and she'd get upset again.

Apparently PiKaSo decided the right fix for this was to do something April loved to make absolutely sure she was happy. And if that sounds like something April would say, that's because it is. April seems to be starting to rub off on PiKaSo and it's freaking me out... at least in concept it is. I mean, not getting assaulted every other day for fun is nice but I keep finding rainbow notes in my pocket's that read 'smile' and its freaking me out. At least I can fight back when Picasso assault me. There's something to be learned there. But at this rate I'm afraid I'm gonna roll up my sleeves to do something and find rainbow 'Smile' graffiti coating my entire arm. Wheres the lesson in that? Its just fucking humiliating.

Anyways... So Picasso took April out to give her a surprise gift to cheer her up since she apparently loves surprises... which seems foolish to me. Surprises have been historically terrible.

Apparently, again I wasn't there so this is all second had really leaving you to question why the fuck I have to write this report, Picasso tried to surprise her with several things and the one that worked best was a new rainbow dress... April is delightfully simple.

I don't know that the surprise helped but I can say this, April is no longer sad or frustrated and Picasso spent the next two days giggling and smiling to herself like a fucking hyena... so says Slicer.

And that brings us to the topic I already ruined once with mindless rambling.

We had to untie Slicer. Fracture's orders. Picasso was not happy about that. From what I could tell, she threatened Slicer before she cut him free. I handed the poor dolt a laptop so he could read why he was being let go and relax.

He seemed pretty releaved. I don't blame him. I can't even see Picasso and I still find her scary... I wonder if thats why I find her scary.... huh.

After that they spent like, an entire hour cracking passive aggressive jokes at each other like a 70 year old married couple. Apparently the dutch are pig fuckers? I don't know. I could only hear Slicer's side of the conversation and shit got weird before it suddenly went silent. I had to stand up and make sure it hadn't got quiet because Picasso slit Slicer's throat or something

So yeah. Slicers free now... and apparently his friend Tracker is coming up to check on him and make sure we aren't miss using him or something...

He sounds like a total badass.

I'm a little worried. I'm the only badass around her.

Navi out

Wednesday, February 18, 2015


Surprises are fun.  I love surprise parties and surprise presents and surprise hugs and such.  It is that moment of not knowing that it is coming that makes it even better than something expected!  

So basically, Picasso has been working really hard, keeping watch over me and helping out and buying movies and pizza and my beautiful rainbow dress and all that, so Navi and I wanted to thank her!  Plus she was seeming kind of sad and mopey because her boyfriend Mr. Moth was having his mask shattered and she must have really liked that mask because even though it was apparently his choice to have it broken she was upset about it.

Also the fact that apparently he's going to die soon or something, but he also chose that for himself so I don't think she should be upset about it!  No reason to lose that beautiful smile!

So to try and cheer up our friend, Navi and I decided to plan a surprise for her while she was out.  Mostly Navi because Navi is Picasso's best friend and even though they fight all the time they have a really deep bond.  I can tell.

Navi said she didn't think that Picasso would like a party or anything but I remembered that she had said she liked painting with blood which she obviously hasn't gotten to do lately so I figured she'd be really pumped for the opportunity.  But Navi said that she wouldn't paint except on full walls, so I figured we couldn't use the hotel.  I found a local warehouse that she could use and offered to drain my blood to fill up some blood packs so that eventually we'd have enough for a mural.  But Navi, the sweet thing she is, refused to let me use my own blood and said that she would take the burden of draining all on to herself.

I have such nice friends! ^_^

Well we were all set up and amassing blood and then we have our big meet up with my buddy Slypher and so we end up leaving the city!  Awkward!  So basically we had to be super spy sneaky sneak the blood packets into our packing.  Luckily I picked up a few tricks from my time in the FBI.  

Have I not told you guys about that?  It was pretty awesome.  I used to crawl through vents and use a grappling hook with the best of them.  But I had to retire from the force when there was a conflict of interest.  I'm sure they were sad to see their best agent go, but that Russian spy had captured my heart which I prize over my head.  We are madly in love.  It's very dramatic.

Anyway, now that we were in this new place I had to find a WHOLE NEW warehouse!  So I scoped out some places when I could but mainly Navi searched cause Picasso's very nervous about letting me out by myself.  Such a sweetheart.

And finally I was able to give it to her!  I took her to the warehouse and showed her the blood and she drew a picture.

Then we left!  And ate dinner.  And that's how to plan a good surprise!  I think Picasso was really happy, and also super not expecting it which just makes it even better!  

So finally, your things to be happy about today!
  • Olive Garden has unlimited breadsticks!
  • I still have all my blood!
  • It was just Valentines!  Think about someone you love and smile!
  • Grappling hooks have been invented.  That's just super sweet!
  • I woke up really early this morning and got to see Navi's adorable sleeping face!
  • There is a numberless number of people in the world to become friends with!
And you are the most beautiful person I have yet to meet.


Sunday, February 8, 2015

Broken Brush

So, things got weird today.

April, Miss Fally as I like to call her, wanted to show me a surprise! Which was cool at first. I like to be treated as much as the next person. So I was happy to oblige and close my eyes for her... right up until the point where she opened the door and tried to lead me outside.

"Uhhh.... just how far are we going April sweety?"

"A few blocks," she said as if that was perfectly normal. That wasn't fucking happening.

"I'm not walking down the street with my eyes closed for 'a few blocks'," I insisted. That's about when I noticed Slicer and Navi behind me. "What are they coming to?!"

"Of course silly! So we can share in the feels!"

"We can't take Slicer. I don't want him flagging down police to come rescue him from us. Bound as he is, he'll draw a lot of attention."


I slammed the door behind us. "Navi can babysit. It'll be just you and me."

"Aww... fine," she grumped and then grinned.

"Good!" I smiled back and we started down the street.

I'm really, really glad I didn't let her talk me into walking there with my eyes closed. We went to the trashiest back alley I've seen in a good long while.

"Time for the surprise, close your eyes now!"

"Uhh.... is the surprise that I'm getting mugged?"

"That certainly would be surprising," she said putting hands over my eyes impatiently and pressing her body against my back to forcibly push me forward into the scary looking warehouse we had stopped in front of.

'Please don't steal my organs, please don't steal my organ, please don't steal my organs,' I whispered to myself.

April let her hands off my face. By this point I had closed my eyes on my own a little afraid to open them.

"Behold!" she declared.

I opened my eyes to find a cooler full of ice in front of me. 'Fuck, shes gonna steal my organs.'

"Isn't it great?!" she asked pulling a blood pack out of the ice.

".... What?"

"So you can paint!" she declared. I walked over to the cooler to find it was full of blood packs. I don't mention this often but I only paint murals and I only paint them in blood. Its complicated. I don't want to get into it.

"Oh," I said looking up at the bare disgusting warehouse walls. "We can do that."

Her bright smile waved a little, you know, like a psychopathic mother's might in a cartoon after she spends all night making dinner and all the father has to say about it is 'Oh, it was alright.' That kind of horrific lip quiver.

So I gave her a big bright smile and a hug. "I love it," I giggled. "I...! Am gonna paint you something. What should I paint?"

"Ummm... I don't know."

"Pick something! I want it to be special."

"I want a meadow and flowers and wavy tree.... and a big horse with a fire mane!"

"One /THAT/ coming right up!"

From there on I spent the next few hours hard at work painting. The fire mane was the hardest. Takes a lot of detail to depict fire with just one color. Had to go over that part with a lighter to give it color and texture. When I finally finished I collapsed against the wall content that my work was done.

April... did not seem pleased.

"Picasso.... what is that?" she asked. She was not smiling.

"Uh... A horse," and crawled over and sat beside her with an exhausted huff.

It was not a house. It was two children. One a teenage boy and one a little girl. They were in raggedy clothes and were standing in a beautiful meadow. You could see their hair and their bright beautiful grins... but not their ears, noses, eyes, or really any other part of their faces. Just their grin and their hair.

'FUCK FUCK FUCK' I shouted in my head. My fucking brush had painted something else on me again. It keeps fucking doing that. It pissing my off to no fucking end.

"What, is /that/!" asked April sounding absolutely pissed.

"Uh.... Children?" I asked, as I noticed my tree had turned out wrong too. Instead of a tree, it looked like Father was looming over the children. How the fuck did I miss that?!

April didn't say another word. She got up and rush out the door.

I practically had to chase her down.

"What wrong?" I demanded to know, grabbing her hand.

"Nothings wrong. Why would anything be wrong. Happy, we're happy here. Silver linings is.... were happy," she says forcing a very weak grin.

"April, talk to me."

"We... I, I just don't like children okay."

"I thought you said you loved children?"

"I d-did? Then I do. I love children, lets go see some children somewhere else," she said trying to pull away. I pulled her back.

"April, talk to me. The truth, for once!"

"I dislike children... they make me uncomfortable! Let's talk about something else!"

I nodded and pulled her into a hug. She finally stopped shaking. "I loved my present. I missed painting," I said before letting her go. She looked a little shy and I watched a real grin find a place on her face again.

"Don't forget to thank Navi too! It was her blood."

"I won't" I said sounding a little more thrilled that I really meant to be. Don't really know why I was so happy. Really no way to tell if April was telling the truth. I think she would have told me anything to get away from that building. I should have exploited that more maybe.

We laughed and hugged again, a little less awkwardly this time, granted I think she only hugged me to drag me further down the street inconspicuously.

We went out to eat after that and before long April was back to her loopy, grinning, goofy self. We brought some food back for Navi and Slicer too since they couldn't go with us. Navi whined about not getting to eat out. Other than that her night seemed to have gone fine. She apparently had a handless fight with Slicer and kicked his ass.

Slicer continues to be a whimp. A title I do believe will immortalize him. Really captures his essence.

Hehehe. Picasso out.

Sunday, February 1, 2015

Fun Times with Fun Friends!

Sometimes there are times in your life that you stop and just realize that everything in this world is so amazingly beautiful!

Take the past week of my life, for example.  I'm both no longer being tortured and I get to hang out all day with my three best buddies!  Everything works out well if you believe that it will!  There's no point to wallowing in worst-case-scenarios.  Don't see the glass as empty, see it as potentially fillable with water!  Or delicious juice!  Or whatever you please!  There are lots of yummy drinks to enjoy in this world!

So it's been me and my girl Picasso and our color vision sweetheart Navi and my newest pal Slypher!  You remember him, he's that one who was having the issue waaaaaay back in the beginning about not being able to properly enjoy his job of cutting people up and sewing them back together.  Though Picasso says that it was just his own personal touch to sew his cuts back up and wasn't part of his job at all!  

What a creative guy!  No wonder he was such a valued employee by his boss and his friends!

Plus, it helped me totally not bleed out on the floor which would have wrecked an otherwise lovely hotel room and probably would have been quite the annoyance for the cleaning staff.  He's just a big softy, that's what I say.  A total sweetheart.  

But I'm not one to suppose why others do things, so I decided to ask him myself why he has such a flair for stitches!  Pulled him out from under the bed and gave him some water since a lot of times Picasso forgets to give him drinks if we leave her in charge of it.  Such a silly one, that Picasso!  Seems like she'd have a great memory, but every time we ask about Slypher it's like she's completely forgotten he was there!  And she always talks about forgetting about him strangely loud while staring right at where he is under the bed.  What a silly!

Anyway, I asked Slypher what his deal was with the stitches.  And he said (and he got all pouty and red faced when he said it, the cutie) that he wasn't used to making incisions without closing them back up again.  It was second nature to try and keep the blood inside the patient.

Can you believe that?  My new friend Slypher is a doctor just like me!  We have so much in common!  We can talk about doctor stuff like needles and medicine and have a great bonding happy fun time!  I'm excited.  He insists that he 'isn't a doctor anymore, he gave up being a doctor when he stopped saving people', but that just sounds like defeatist talk to me.

I think he REALLY REALLY liked being a doctor!  When he was telling me about how he used to be one he smiled!  And, let us not forget that that was the original motive of everything!  He seems to have given up on it, but I would never let him give up his dreams!  I'm sure that if we talked to them his proxy friends would be happy to let him go back to being a doctor if we explain that torturing people isn't really up his alley.

I'll go talk to Picasso about it, she was out buying food when I talked with him about this, so she doesn't know the plan, but I think she'd be all in favor!  Her and Slypher get along super duper well.  They're always firing off quips at each other like an old married couple!  ^_^ It's completely adorable.

So finally!  A list of things to be happy about today!

  • Slypher is finally opening up to me!  That is the mark of a true friendship being born.
  • We live in a society that has invented and endorses pillows!
  • You are a unique individual with your own unique laugh (why not let someone hear it today?)
  • Cuddles!
  • There was an extra pretty sunset today!
  • Carter is a super sweet guy, and we got to become friends with him through the magic of the internet!
  • There is an endless number of people in the world to become friends with!
And you are the most beautiful person I have yet to meet.